Norman: "My Friend for Life"
Reflections: Norman Mailer at 100, ed. Gerald R. Lucas and Maggie McKinley (The Norman Mailer Society, 2023), pp. 11–12; transcribed from the final interior PDF
From Reflections: Norman Mailer at 100 (The Norman Mailer Society, 2023), pp. 11–12.
“I like you Mashey. We will be friends for life!” With these words, Norman ended our very first meeting in April 1976 and for the next thirty-five years he kept his vow. Whether it was through meetings, correspondence, meals at his home, parties, or special events, we never lost touch. I still marvel at the warmth of our relationship. It can’t be just that I wrote my doctoral dissertation on him. That would get me “half an hour of his time,” as I told a friend. Was it my Irish background, the Irish being a group of people he long admired? Was it the fact that I was, in those days, an avid bodybuilder, again something he enjoyed? Was it my Jewishness? Although Norman had a sort of love-hate relationship with his birth religion, he did not hesitate, at my request, to hold a Passover seder in his house, attended by his wonderful sister Barbara and her family. There, he showed John Buffalo how to read Hebrew and John recited, like any youngest son, the “famous four questions.” Mailer ended up calling me his “Irish Rabbi.” He knew I was gay and before I officially came out to him, I knew that he knew as despite his uber-heterosexual reputation, he never brought up the topic of women or played the macho dude. He was sensitive that way.
And despite his reputation for having an argumentative personality, he never once lost his temper with me, not even when I kept him waiting nearly half an hour for a lunch date (I got lost!) “Oh, I knew you would turn up eventually and I brought plenty to read,” he said blithely. Nor when I garbled some facts in a published article about his relationship with Jack Abbott. I received a detailed and touching letter about my errors but nary a word of rebuke. In all, he kept that thirty-five-year promise!
He always had a paternal instinct towards me. Once he invited me to a party at Elaine’s, one of his waterholes. The crowd were heavy hitters, everyone from Joan Didion to Barbara Walters. I was totally intimidated. After a short while, I was ready to leave. Norman said firmly, “No, you don’t. You stay and enjoy yourself.” I did and when I left hours later, he said, see I told you!!”
Once at his home, again at my request, we had a showing of the notorious Maidstone, where Rip Torn bashed him on the head. He gathered around about four of his children who were in NYC. It was there that I saw for the first time his warm and congenial relationship with his offspring and in turn their ease with each other. Over the years, I have met many children of famous people and more often than not, they are “damaged goods.” Not so in this case. When I mentioned this to Judith McNally, his long-time secretary, she looked at me with astonishment. “Of course! He loves his children!”
And I am glad to say that the connection with the Mailer clan has not ended. A few years ago, I met John Buffalo for dinner in NYC. As we walked to the restaurant, we met some of his friends and he introduced me as his “cousin.” When they left, I asked him why he did that. He said, “because that’s what my father called you!” It is a sobriquet I bear with the greatest pride!
Mashey Bernstein